Friendship is one of the most enriching and complex aspects of being human. While we often view romantic relationships as the emotional core of life, friendships, especially the deep, everyday connections, are equally important. They provide us with companionship, reflection, and a sense of safety. Friends are the people who help keep us grounded. They allow us to grow and also put us in our place when we need it.
In your 20s, friendships can feel effortless. They’re often born out of shared experiences: college, first jobs, going out, growing up. Your friends feel like extensions of yourself, always around, always up for anything. I was always surrounded by people, many of whom I considered friends. But in your 30s, life begins to shift in more permanent ways, and so do your relationships. Some friends grow closer, others drift quietly away. Some departures sting deeply. Some arrivals surprise you.
It’s a lot…but it’s all normal.
All kinds of friends come into our lives, those friendships change over time, and it’s so important not to take those changes personally, even when they hurt. This has been something that I have struggled with as of late. Mainly because of the bonds that were established with people.
The Different Types of Friends We Meet Along the Way
Friendship isn’t one-size-fits-all. And that’s a good thing. Here are a few types of friends that I have encountered along my short journey:
- The Ride-or-Die
This is your lifer. The one who’s seen you through breakups, moves, breakdowns, and wins. You don’t talk every day, but the connection never weakens. You can have more than one of these. I have a couple that I can call at any time of the night. - The Situational Friend
You’re close because of context—work, school, a shared class at the gym. The bond is real, but often temporary. This can also be the friend that you only hear from when it’s on their terms, or when they may be going through a crisis. - The Growth Friend
These friends come into your life during transformative seasons. They challenge, stretch, and support you. Sometimes they stay. Sometimes they were meant for that chapter only. Like Madea said, “Sometimes people are meant to be in our lives for a season”…and that’s completely okay. - The History Friend
You’ve known each other forever. Maybe you’ve grown apart, but the past binds you. There’s love, even if the connection isn’t as strong today. This may be the person you met in the 3rd grade and was the person you rode the swingset with every day, or someone you spent all those summer days growing up fishing or riding bikes. - The New Friend
Yes, new best friends can be made in your 30s. These friendships are often more intentionally rooted in values and mutual respect rather than proximity. This could be someone you might have struck up a conversation with at a bar or through a mutual friend. Often, these friendships can be just as meaningful as earlier ones.
How Friendships Change in Your 30s
Your 30s are full of divergence. Some people are raising toddlers. Others are climbing career ladders. Some are navigating divorce or illness. The pace and priorities of life start to look very different for everyone, and that impacts how, when, and even if friendships stay the same. I personally have had to take a step back and realize that “ok we all have lives, let me not get upset over a missed engagement or a dinner that needed to be cancelled.
- Time becomes scarce. Schedules fill with partners, kids, work, and rest. It’s not personal. It’s math. We find ourselves scheduling a catch-up phone call or even meeting up for coffee for 30 minutes. Almost out of nowhere, we all have become busy, it seems.
- Values evolve. What matters to someone at 25 may not matter at 35 and vice versa. I’m probably not going to be as apt to going to the strip club now, like I would have been in my 20’s.
- Friendships become more intentional. In your 30s, there’s less energy for maintaining friendships that feel one-sided, draining, or outdated. I have a lot less time and a lot less tolerance for “woe is me” conversations. At this age, we need to be about some accountability and fixing. But I digress…
- Emotional bandwidth varies. Life hits harder. And sometimes, people just can’t be there in the way they, or you, once were. The one thing that I am going to stress is my PEACE. Because NOTHING will come between me and the one thing that is keeping me sane. Lol AKA “Ain’t got time for the bullshit”.
And yet, many friendships do survive these transitions. Many of mine have, thus far. Some even deepen through the shared vulnerability of adult life. But others? They fade. And that fading can feel like a quiet kind of heartbreak. This is a different kind of grief that doesn’t get talked about enough, I feel.
The Quiet Grief of a Lost Friendship
When a romantic relationship ends, there’s an entire script for grief. You cry. You talk. You mourn. Then a friend swoops in for drinks, you go out and then all is well. But when a friendship ends or simply fades, there’s often no ceremony, no clear ending. Just a growing distance, a lingering ache, and maybe a few too many unsent messages.
And still, the grief is real.
Friendship grief can come in many forms:
- The slow fade. Texts get shorter. Calls become rare. Eventually, silence settles in.
- The rupture. A disagreement, betrayal, or shift that ends the connection abruptly.
- The circumstantial drift. No falling-out, no drama. Just life pulling you in different directions.
It hurts because these people mattered. They held your secrets. They made you laugh until you cried. You experienced so many firsts together. They were there. And now they’re not. To say “it is what it is” feels like placing that flaky salt in a fresh wound while squeezing a fresh lime
But just because it ended doesn’t mean it failed. It simply means the relationship served its purpose in that season of life. Some friendships are meant to be forever. Others are meant to be formative. I think we fall into traps, believing that all friendships are supposed to be forever.
When Politics Enter the Room: A New Layer of Complexity
This one as of late has been one that I have been struggling with the most. As we get older, politics stop being something that sits on the sidelines of our lives. They start to matter more because they reflect our values, how we see the world, and how we treat others. And those differences can either draw friends closer or drive them apart. Me, I am a stone-cold, blue as they get “leftist” as they like to call it. The values just line up with me personally.
Sometimes, political alignment strengthens a friendship. Shared beliefs create a sense of safety and solidarity. You feel seen, supported, and connected through common values.
But sometimes, politics expose differences you didn’t realize were there, or didn’t want to confront. Especially when the disagreement isn’t just about policy, but about identity, justice, or lived experience. I don’t even need to begin explaining what the country is going through right now. It really makes it difficult to listen to some people, because they say one thing and vote for another. It’s hard for me to understand someone’s train of thought for supporting the current president amid everything that has been done since he has been in office.
Navigating this is hard. Some questions to ask yourself:
- Can I still be myself around this person?
- Do they respect my boundaries and beliefs?
- Is this a difference of opinion or a difference in core values?
Not every difference is a dealbreaker. But some are. (I fully support being able to have friends with different opinions, because it is cause for good conversation, but when they infringe on someone else’s rights, that’s a no for me.) I honestly want to know sometimes, what makes people cringe at going to a Drag Show vs seeing Tyler Perry dress as Madea or Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire. These are things I cannot wrap my head around. And walking away from a friendship because of deeply held principles doesn’t make you dramatic….it makes you honest. Though they may not see things that way, the best thing you can do for yourself is be honest.
Don’t Take It Personally (Even When It Feels Personal)
When someone pulls away or a friendship ends, the urge to analyze every detail is strong. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I stop trying? Was I not enough? But more often than not, it’s not about something you did wrong. It’s about life doing what life does best…..change. I am guilty as charged, though. I often contemplate lost or fizzled friendships and try to piece where things may have gone wrong.
People evolve. Energy shifts. Availability shrinks. Priorities get reordered. And sometimes, friendships are quietly left behind, not out of malice, but out of reality.
The best thing you can do is let it go with grace. Send love in their direction, even if from afar. Leave the door cracked, if it feels right. Or gently close it, if that brings you peace.
Final Thoughts: Friendship Is Fluid, But Always Worth It
Friendship in your 30s isn’t about having a big circle. It’s about having true connection. It’s about being around people who see you, support you, and show up when it matters. People who laugh with you, hold space for your growth, and respect the seasons you’re in…even if those seasons don’t always align.
Let friendships evolve. Let them end, if they need to. Let new ones bloom. Most of all, let yourself feel everything that comes with it—the joy, the grief, the nostalgia, the hope.
Because friendship isn’t static. It’s alive. And that means its gonna change.
But if you’re open to it, it will keep showing up…just when you need it most.
Whew, that was a lot….
~Ron
Big Wheels Keep On Turnin' 